Resurrection and Update

So, I've attempted this blog thing a few times, I've failed, for lack of a better word, each time.  I've tried the 101 in 1001 three times.  The longest I ever managed to keep it together was for about 10 months :/  So here we are, 2016 is quickly coming to an end and I was once again thinking about starting the 101 in 1001.  I decided maybe that wasn't the way I wanted to go because I found myself trying to find things to put on my list of 101 goals, and just picked random goals that really didn't mean much to me.  This time I wanted to journal/blog but instead of just trying to accomplish 101 things that didn't really matter much to me I wanted to just blog about me, my life, what matters to me, and focus on a few things that I really want to focus on and make more of a priority in my life.

My son and family is my top priority for sure.  However, other than my child and family, there are a few things that I really want to focus on this year, and well, just in general.
1.  I really want to focus on fitness and health.  Of course I'd love to lose weight, but more than that, I want to be fit and healthy. A couple years ago I went on this journey and lost a little weight but was in the best shape of my life and felt so good.  Some things happened and I lost sight of my goals and well...let's just say, I need to get back to where I was and keep going.
2.  I want to focus on a hobby that would force me to get out of my comfort zone, yet allow me to learn, and push my limits.  I've chosen to focus on photography.  I chose this for a few reasons, first, I need to take more pictures, period.  I'm kind of embarrassed about how many photos I DON'T have :(  My son is 9 and I want to have more pictures to remember these moment by, I've been saying for years that I want to put together a calendar for my family from photos I take during the year.  The problem is that I never seem to have good, or enough photos to create a calendar with :(  I also purchased a DSLR a couple years ago and I want to learn how to use it better.  I look at other peoples photos and I'm just in awe at how amazing they are and would be so proud to be able to say I took an amazing photo like that.  I have no illusions that I will be a true photographer, ever, in my lifetime.  I just want to be able to focus on something that I can see progress with, and something that I can ultimately be proud of.  In order to accomplish this, I have decided to start with the 52 week photography challenge.  I'll be posting my photos here each week as well as on Instagram.  I just hope that I see an improvement at the end :)  This is the challenge I'm going to be starting:  https://dogwood.photography/52weekchallenge.html
3.  I want to go on a vacation.  For the love of all things holy, I want to finally go on vacations!  Even if they are staycations...I want to get out.  I want to experience life.  I've never really went on vacations, I want to travel more.  I want to instill this sense of adventure and wonder in my son so he will experience life and not be fearful like I was my entire life.  I cannot wait to take you all along on whatever journey I am able to take.
4.  I want to read more books.  I have said in the past that I hated reading, but really, that's not true.  I love to read.  I've really rediscovered my love for reading over the past year.  But, just like with movies, if I am not immediately grasped by the book I lose interest quickly.  That said, I want to read more.  I love losing myself in a book.
5.  I want to focus on just being a better person.  I realize that accomplishing this will be very subjective; but over the past few years I feel like I've been very negative and I haven't been able to even see the good in things.  This also goes back to the photos a bit too...to capture the beauty in the world.

I also wanted to kind of go back and update on life from the last posts 6 years ago.  I thought about starting a new blog but when I went back and read what I had written before, I felt that it was more fitting to just pick up where I left off with a little bit of an update.  Now where do I start with an update?  I finished my pre-requsites for nursing school, and had all As.  I got an interview at the University of Colorado School of Nursing for their accelerated program.  However, I found out on August 1, 2012 that I didn't get accepted.  Honestly, it was devastating.  It's still devastating to talk about so...I just don't.  I have a really really hard time even thinking about the fact that I was just a failure.  I failed.  This has been kind of a black cloud over me for the last 4.5 years.  But, it is what it is, I'm trying to move past it.  I won't be discussing it further but I did want to update because I know I had made a few previous posts about my journey.  Also, I am still a litigation paralegal despite the fact that I swore I would never go back to a paralegal job...I did.  And I still am.  I'm currently working for a pretty amazing firm and have gotten some really great experience, but I am feeling quite burnt out, and I am definitely more than ready for the next step.  I don't, however, know what that next step/journey will be.  Maybe I'll discover it along the way through my blogging.  Maybe I won't.  But, if I could just come out on the other side and feel some sense of peace, I would consider that to be a success.  I am with Roger still.  We are technically engaged, though I'm not sure that we'll ever officially get married.  I am kind of feeling like this is enough of a commitment for me.  Why do anything to rock the boat?  I don't want to screw up a good thing :)  We purchased a house in 2013.  I guess maybe this is the silver lining of not getting into nursing school?  Ha.  We were very lucky that we were able to do this, especially because the housing market in Denver is out of control insane now.  I don't think we could afford to buy now if we hadn't before.  Although there are things I hate about this house, I am very thankful.  Devin is now 9.  NINE.  How the heck did that happen?  For Christmas he got some "experience" tickets, one for each month, so we'll be going on some adventures this year, and I hope to take you all along :)

So, there you have it...the resurrection of my old blog.  And I really, just really hope that I can keep up with this more than just a few months.  Especially because I really think it will be awesome to have somewhere to have an outlet for all of the struggles I'm going to have with the goals I've set because let's be real...it's not going to be easy :)

And, can I just say that I had to laugh when I realized the the domain name is for this journal?  I had completely forgotten about.  I mean I forgot this journal even existed...I started it 6 years ago.  I had to laugh, but I love it.  The name still suits me perfectly as well.  My life is definitely a beautiful disaster :)  Thanks for coming along on this journey with me.

Until next time...
Jamie

We must be willing to give up the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us

Well, it's been quite awhile since I've written here, thought now that life's circumstances have recently changed, I have more time on my hands and figure writing here and sorting out the disaster my life has become would be a good use of my time.

On November 8, 2010 things around here took a change, as I was laid off from my job as a litigation paralegal.  Although at first I thought it was the end of the world, I'm now at peace with the situation and am thinking it was absolutely a blessing in disguise and the title of this post describes it well.  I've been a litigation paralegal for the past 7 years and although each position I've held has had it's own quarks and differences, I've never really truly cared for the profession as a whole.  But, I could never justify leaving and starting over in another profession only to start over again.  I always went where the money was, whether it was where I'd be happy or not.  I just hope and pray I don't have to go back to another paralegal position and that I'll actually be able to make a change in my life. But, I also need to be realistic, I need a job and will have to take what is offered, whenever one is.  For now, however, I'm still working on classes and my pre reqs for a healthcare profession. I really am not 100% sure where I'll end up. Nursing seems to be oversaturated in this area, but so does pretty much any profession I'm interested in. I guess over time I'll figure that out. For now, I really need to just register for classes. If I could just decide what direction to go, I'd be good.
However, now although this situation is far from ideal, I am treating this, and hoping for this to be my chance for change.  I can honestly say I don't think I realized exactly how unhappy I was in my job until now...not having to get up and go there everyday and dread it with every fiber of my being, despite being broke and unemployed, I'm so much happier and relaxed.  And, I get to spend some much needed extra time with Devin and enjoy the holidays.  I think I'm even going to get all my card-making supplies out again and make my holiday cards again this year.  This will be the first time in 6 years that I've done this, I'm kind of excited.  Stay tuned for samples to vote on :) 

The Powers That "B"

I hate Bs.  I hate them.  I hate Cs even worse, but I really hate Bs.  It's like being *so close* to an A, but failing.  Yes, I realize that is a ridiculous way of looking at the grade, and it could be said of any grade other than an A, but it is what it is, and that's how I feel...for now.

I have a feeling I may be getting my first B since venturing down this road of pre requisites.  And, it's not sitting well with me.  I got a B on my lab practical and a B on my last test.  I am frustrated with myself, along with my situation.  I know I can do better than this, but I just don't feel like I have the time to really devote to actually studying and that sucks.  So, I walk into exams having only looked at it for 1/2 hour before and hope for the best...and get a B, and really, rightfully so, and I should be happy with that.  I'm just not b/c I know I am a better student than that and I can do better.  And, I know my half-assed studying just isn't going to cut it when I get into the program of choice.  I must kick it up a notch beginning, yesterday!  And, that means I must start studying the muscles and nerves!  I wish they weren't so damn hard to pronounce, and therefore spell, they are going to be the death of me...for now.  Of course I still have yet to even begin writing my paper, so I will be saying the same then, I'm sure.  I go back and forth between wanting it to be August already and wanting it to be June again so I could have more time.  I guess at this point, it is what it is...wish me luck!

On to more fun topics, I didn't make it to the outlets this weekend, despite my intentions.  No new bag for me, no new clothes for Devin, resulting in no new fashion shows for the other blog, and no new make up.  Maybe next weekend, if I get a chance.  Too much to do, way too little time!

It's all a waiting game...

I fully own up to the fact that I haven't been the greatest at keeping up with my duties here.  Some day this thing called blogging will become second nature to me, at least I'm hoping so.  So far this summer I have managed to accomplish absolutely nothing that I had intended.  Not that this is overly surprising to me.  I knew it was going to be a busy summer, unfortunately I didn't quite realize exactly *how* busy.  I am now knee deep in my Anatomy & Physiology class and I can honestly say that although I am learning a ton, I did not realize exactly how intense this course would be during an accelerated summer semester.  I am honestly not entirely sure what I thinking when I made the decision to register for this class 2 days before it started.  I have officially made it through midterms and my first A&P lab practical.  I have a solid A in the class, and for that I am thankful!  However, it seems to get more and more difficult everyday.  I have 2 more exams, another practical and a paper and project all due by the 28th...yes, that is in 19 days.  Do not ask me how I'll accomplish it all because quite honestly I'm not sure right now.  Somehow, though, I will persevere.  I have to.  Not finishing the class...not getting an A is simply not an option for me.  Of course I say that now as I not so patiently await the grade from my most recent exam (and most difficult to date) to be posted.  I am learning the hard way that patience is a virtue that I lack significant amounts of.

In other news, I have been window shopping for a new handbag.  Yes, I know, I know, I don't NEED another one, but how much in life that is fun and exciting is actually NEEDED?  I have been drooling over this gorgeous Doone and Bourke (photos taken from Ebay, thank you if they are yours :)

and this Coach Patent Leather Inlaid C Peyton.  She is just gorgeous, but I have been reading many reviews that say the white C's are yellowing.  Yuck.  I'm trying to talk myself off the ledge.  I am so loving this bag.  However, instead I think I will likely make my way to the Outlets this weekend and see if I find anything I can't live without, there...much cheaper and more satisfying to leave with the bag in my hand versus waiting and hoping and praying what I thought I purchased on Ebay is actually what I get in the mail!

Calgon, take me away!

So, yeah, remember that whole idea about choosing to be happy.  Well, I'm failing miserably today.  I don't even entirely know what my problem is, but I do know I'm ridiculously overwhelmed and I just need a break.  I want so badly to just walk away right now.  I want to go on a vacation!  Somewhere fun, with a beach.  I know I've been saying this for years, but always say I'll go next year (in hopes that I would look decent in a bikini again, lol)  Well, I'm coming to the conclusion that the older I get, and have now surpassed 30 and have had a child, it will never happen, so I might as well just suck it up and go.  I want to take Devin to the beach and go to Disneyland and Sea World and amusement parks and fairs and carnivals, I want him to be involved in sports and activities and have fun during the summer!  I want him to get to do all the fun stuff that I never got to do when I was a kid :(  I feel horrible that, as of now, I'm failing as a parent in that respect, and well, pretty much daily I feel like I'm failing in many other areas as well.  I MUST change this!  I'm not sure how right now considering my time constraints and monetary situation, but I have to do *something*  Maybe the Aquarium this summer?  Baby steps, right? 

I choose to be positive and happy and make the best of the given situation!

Welcome to summer!  I used to always hate summer.  When I was much younger I would find myself being extremely bored during the summer.  I know, I know, what the hell was wrong with me?  I wish I had those years of youth back and I could get involved in some of the activities I always wanted to be involved in, but I found to be too intimidating.  If only I knew then what I know now... 

Up until recently, I hated the heat which of course always made me uncomfortable because I am admitedly way over-self-conscious about the way I look and therefore would dress like it was 9* instead of 90* I always longed for the cooler days of fall to quickly arrive.  However, it seems the older I get, the more I really enjoy the summer days.  Still though, my favorite part of summer is the cool morning air before it gets really hot out and the cool evenings lounging in a lawn chair while making s'mores and having good conversation with good friends/family.  Or hanging out on the patio of a good restaurant/bar sharing experiences with said friends.  Some of my best memories were from a few summers ago.  Oh how I loved those times.  But, times have changed.  Some for the good, some for the bad. 

Sadly, it does not appear that this summer will allow much time for rekindling those times.  I have way over extended myself for the summer, but unfortunately without just throwing my hands up in the air and walking away from everything completely, there doesn't appear to be any easy way to lighten my load.  The 2 classes I am taking this semester, at first glance, appear to be way involved and quite time consuming.  It seems like there are assignments and discussion board postings and quizes and tests and labs and lectures due daily.  Right now, I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to manage it all, but somehow I have to.  So, at this point, my plan is to push forward, grin and hope for the best!  I choose to be positive and happy and make the best of the given situation!  This is going to be my new motto I say everyday as I wake and fight with myself to get out of bed and manage through the Jillian Michaels workout each morning at 4:30am.  I wonder how long I can manage to complete this motto with a smile on my face.  Any bets?

However, as busy as it may be, it is still summer and summer is for the kids, right?  So, I am hoping to sneak in a few fun outings with the little one.  Even if that means taking a day or two off of work to do it.  I'm thinking maybe the zoo, the water park, museum, maybe a picnic at the park and lots of pool time!  Life is too short not to.  I've been way too wrapped up in daily life to enjoy the little things.  I have to start allowing myself to relax a little and have fun.  I feel like I have to constantly remind myself of this.  Sometimes I feel like my dreams and the goals that I set for myself over-ride what is really important.  Yes, I absolutely want to accomplish the goals I've set and I will, come hell or high water, I WILL finish through this, I want to be able to look back and say that I absolutely do not have any regrets through this situation.  Although I know certain people keep trying to tell me this, I just don't want to go too far to the other side as I previously did, letting everything slip through the cracks.  Picking up the pieces years later is much more difficult than trying to keep them at least somewhat in place the first time.  I want to be able to look back and at least feel like I was able to balance it all and have my son look up to me and be proud of me and what I have accomplished.  That is my biggest goal in life right now.  I want to make my son proud to say that *I* am his Mom. 

I love this crazy tragic almost magic awful beautiful life!

Although some who know me seem to think I'm the most pesamistic and negative person there is, but the reality is, I'm really not.  But, I do hate to be disappointed and would rather plan for the worst and hope for the best vs. not plan at all and throw fate in the air and just hope everything falls into place.  True, it almost always works out for the best somewhow, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time, but I'm much more rational than that.  I can be spur-of-the-moment at times, but I'm a planner by nature.  It's just who I am.  If you don't like it, I'm sorry, but I can't change a core part of who I am to suit everyone else.  I realize at times I feel like I'm planning my life away.  What is that saying?  Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.  I realize that at times it may seem like this is what I'm doing and I'm trying to let go of that somewhat, but does seem like when I let go and just let the wind take me where it may I end up in quite a mess, sometimes in more than one way, and then I have to go back and clean it up.  It's much easier for me to stick with what I know and make a plan.  It helps me sleep at night to just have a plan. 

My plan right now includes many levels, but on the surface, I just want to get to a point of happiness, being content and giving myself options.  I will elaborate more on this at a later time.  I need to ger ready to take my car in for a very needed oil change now....

Just Me

I've been considering starting a blog for quite awhile, but finally decided it was time.  And, no I haven't been thinking about it for 3 years, I have no idea why it says 2007.  It took me awhile to come up with a name so I decided to go through some of my old journal postings on another site and saw "Beautiful Diaster" and figured right now, as just about always, it fits my life rather perfectly, so Beautiful Disaster it is. 

As you will quickly find out if you stick around long enough...I AM:  30 • a mom • goofy • smart • funny • outgoing and introverted all at the same time • independant • caring • thoughtful • a lover • a best friend • dependable • always late, when I used to be always early, pre child • a sister • a daughter • in a relationship • blessed • a lip gloss addict • a planner • a lover of all things pink • sassy • tolerant • not easily entertained • a lover of high heels • sentimental • stubborn • driven • willing to do anything for my family and friends • content • forgetful • a city girl • a people watcher • addicted to text messaging • complicated • a full time employee • a student • a volunteer • likeable • random • hopeful • a couch25K participant • A Beautiful Disaster.